Bright Star by John Keats

Bright star, would I were stedfast as thou art--
Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night
And watching, with eternal lids apart,
Like nature's patient, sleepless Eremite,
The moving waters at their priestlike task
Of pure ablution round earth's human shores,
Or gazing on the new soft-fallen mask
Of snow upon the mountains and the moors--
No--yet still stedfast, still unchangeable,
Pillow'd upon my fair love's ripening breast,
To feel for ever its soft fall and swell,
Awake for ever in a sweet unrest,
Still, still to hear her tender-taken breath,
And so live ever--or else swoon to death.

The sun with no burden

I want to run away.To a place far from

where I am,a place where my dreams will run free, where I can make new ones.

I want to go and be in peace
Where no one will mask themselves as good.
A place where my judge will be payed for.
I want to run away and view the sunset every afternoon with no burden at all.
Forget everything and make it all new
Fix it and remember it as if it never happened. I want to run away and see the sunrise with no worries of the day, run until I get to the ends of the Earth.

to my mom......

I don't want you to worry;

I don't want you to worry because I failed so many of my few trials.

I don't want you to worry because I made mistakes through my early ages.

Don't let worry consume your mind because this one step of my life was silent.

My determination is too huge for your trust to be so weak;

For if I determine myself to fail I will do so, but if i determine to succeed, no mistake can be so great to put me down in the grave.

All I want is two open minds with extravagant ideas to come one at heart.

No matter how distant you ever were, my love for you never changed, my prayers for you never stopped, and my eyes never saw what everyone else could see.

I could see much more than what your silence said.

I saw your effort.

I saw your non-stop battle,

and I saw you.

chance MADE you My mOthEr, LOVE made YoU my FrIeNd.

determination

Determined to LOVE.

Determined to show who I am.

Determined to prove that divine force is enough;

to prove I can do it.

Determined to build confidence.

Determined to construct a foundation.

A foundation of truth, wisdom, and courage.

I need.....

I need a shoulder to cry on.

I need a hand to hold when I can't handle a situation.

I need heart to laugh beside,

and a mind to study with.

I need sturdy feet to carry me.

I need wobbly knees to kneel and pray with and for me.

I need ears that will listen,

and a mouth that will never fail.

I need arms that will be wrapped around me in love abound.

I need fingers that will gently go through my hair everyday when I cry until I fall asleep.

I need eyes that will see who I really am, and love me for that reason,

and I need a gentle being that will never leave my side.

Never can someone be perfect for my soul, nor can I be perfect to them, but all I want/need is some real love.

THEM

It is an every day thing. How can I even ignore it when it is so loud through the walls of my quiet and calm room. The penetrating words that are not even directed to me, pierce my mind without notice to be found. They come through the thick wooden walls and into my ears. The physical encounter and the burning words always find there way into my heart. As my family fights, all I do is listen and wonder what can I really do? I am tired of this. As I listened to my grandparent's normal-everyday discussion I heard some of the most hurtful words that someone could say about themselves. "whatever," she said to my grandpa as he tried to put her down, "it is what OTHER people think of me that fills my soul." That got me thinking. It broke me down. What am I suppose to be doing here? Why am I in the middle of all this brokenness, and how can I change it?

Confusion drains me, and I can't handle someone saying that others fill her up. But as I thought that that broke my heart, it is also true in my life. I try to fill my soul with other people's love instead of God's unfailing love. The sharp words of a "non-loving" mother that surely loves me, break me down every day. All I want is some love from her, but all she cares is about my physical appearance. And how can I even begin to explain that sometimes loving someone is painful. Loving my family is one of the hardest things I have had to do in my life. Change my perspective of them while they still think the same of me. Love them when they scream and love them when they don't get it. Why are those words so painful and why don't they even realize it? Why do I even have to listen to those discouraging words? and why does it get to me so easily? So many questions, but there is only ONE answer and that is Gods unfailing love.

Miguelito

A boy, OR I could say a group of boys who tender up my heart. They make me want to keep going. I look at them and all I think of is love, letting love "fly like crazy."

They are my brothers, and I see how I have been blessed to be a blessing.

They have so much HOPE in them, and these boys just show there love for God.

For instance, Miguel Angel, or as every body calls him: Miguelito. As I got to know him better throughout the night, I realized how much talent and joy he has. How he chased me through the basketball court trying not to bump into the other many kids in there, I realized how "equal" or how "fifty-fifty" we are. Little did I think that realizing we were both from the same country, from the same Father, and that even though we have many differences that we all forgot we had, that my heart could break so much for him, or I should say, them. We all have different backgrounds, and we all help each other in different ways. They showed me and opened the door to the assurance that it is not about me. At some point in life we all know that, but the assurance of it brings joy to my heart. Miguelito and all the other boys brought so much joy to my life this friday and never will I forget the huge bear hugs that he gave me every time he thought they were leaving until they actually left. I didn't want to let go until he let go of me and snuggled out of my tight arms. We all became one for a night, and that is just how it should always be.

How are you with GOD?!

As I walked down the hallways of my high school, all I felt was frustration and brokenness. My soul wasn't real, my mind was out of its normal being and all I could think of was crying and having my soul back. I kept walking and trying keep my tears back until I saw my 6th grade teacher walking towards me, of all she said the only thing I remember was her heart- felt question, "How are things going with God?" I froze. It was such a bad day to ask me that. I was blocked and I didn't know what to answer, but my mind immediately responded with a "great." I didn't know what to think. Was I really great? Was it just a bad day? What was going on, I didn't understand. Was I lying? And if I was, is that the type of question I want to lie about? I finally gave up on holding myself together. I had no immediate answers and I was extremely tired. I hid in an office and started weeping. All I could really do was cry and say I was sorry. "I am sorry Daddy," I said over and over again. my mind was lost out of the blue. I didn't know what was going on anymore. My mind blanked until I heard this gentle voice saying my name. She was trying to wake me up. I had fallen asleep from so much tears. I couldn't get up, but I had to go.

Now, the point is not me falling asleep and having to wake up, what I'm trying to point out is God and His faithfulness. As she tried to wake me up and didn't stop calling my name until I opened my eyes, in that same way God doesn't stop calling our names that easily, the only difference is that we become numb to his tender and soft voice. He is faithful to be there even when we aren't. That question troubled me. I was lost within it, but I realized that I fail and my perspective towards how life has to be needs to change more each day. My life doesn't need to be perfect because I fail, I'm human, but I can look at my life and say, "God take care of it because Jesus already suffered for me."

A Sunday Morning

The sun shines, people smile. I see dressed up children ready for sunday school with their parents along for church. A peculiar smell is in the atmosphere. NOTHING like a sunday morning. It is filled with a sense of...peace, when the breeze hits your face while you try to remove your hair off the way so that you can see the rather distinguished horizon.

I see the sky up above and all I see is blue glory. People buying plants for their gardens. Some go to work as it if were another normal day, and still others just stay home watching a movie and having time with their family, but it is still a sunday morning: shinny and brilliant for reasons unknown.

Trees follow their traditional journey, moving their branches back and forth; towards the wind and from it. The grass grows inch by inch. Babies cry, while kids run around playing and laughing, but the fact that it is a sunday morning never changes. Our hearts pump blood as any other day, and our minds get to things as if it were a Wednesday afternoon, but for some reason the sense of peace and joy make the day perfect for it to be called The Sabbath or just the day to rest; A Sunday Morning.

A Vision

I had a vision. An image filled with Glory. One where God was present. It was all from the glorious hands of God.

Drunkened by the Spirit, laying on the floor, praying, and asking to see Him, I was being held down by His mighty presence. I couldn't get up, I kept praying for thickness in the atmosphere, when all of a sudden I decided to tell God I wanted to see Him. I wished to see Him. I wanted to actually see the thickness of His presence. My eyes had been closed for most of the time and all I could see was darkness and still my eyes closed saw the blackness of the eyelids covering them. I was laying on the floor, I felt light, but at the same time heaviness was on me. Something was on me, until I saw Him. I was able to see what I had asked for. His glory was present in the room, so thick I was able to see it. I saw gold. GOLD falling all over us. I could see every person in the room right where they were sitting at, when God started sprinkling love, joy, peace, and mercy in the form of gold all over us.

Later, I realized that that was exactly what was going on. God's "everything" in the form of gold was raining on us as we quietly worshipped together. The gold was all Him and what we were experiencing at that same moment.

Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy,

First and for most, I want to tell you how much I love you. How Much you have done in my life is amazing. Thank you for those who love me and show me your love, and I also thank you for those who don't, but make me grow. I want to

thank you for my family, who will always be there. Thank you for those who are in my life to help, and to be helped. I want to thank you for those who, even though it is hard to love, I love them and they love me back. But mostly I want to thank you for those who I feel at times like no love comes from them, but never forget how much they have given for me and how much they worry and love me.

God, I come before you as your daughter. You are the perfect Daddy I never had and never will. I want to surrender, God. I feel like I have said this so many times. I am sorry, are the three words that come out of my mouth almost every day, but today I realized that that is just how it is. I don't want any burden on me, for you are willing to carry that heaviness even if it takes for me to surrender every day. I want to forgive, I want to just give love other and be for you with no crutches around, Father. You found me and for that I am grateful. I am grateful because you have a light yolk and will always be there ready to hold mine, like you are tonight. You are just ready to listen, and hug me and hold me. And God from this moment on, as you have always been, I want to be ready to surrender. I have done this before, but I have realized it is a daily struggle. Today I have decided to forgive as well as to give up all my grudges, and of course all my whims and whines. I cease. I forgive those who persecute me from the bottom of my heart. My classmates, for it is worthless to suffer for those who don't love back. My instincts tell me to love them no matter what, but never did I realize I was not to suffer because of what they did. I am to love my enemies, but not suffer for them. I now tell you Daddy, I forgive them and every day will it be a struggle to do this, but you are my strength, my fortress, and my foundation.

The Words of Beatific Anguish

Where does it all go? My words. I mean, everytime I speak it is as if they go through outer space. Into nothing. But there is something so special about it that I still can't grab. Something different than just telling someone about my struggle. It is as if everything is forgoten as I say it, in love, in peace, and in grace. No judge appears in the crime scene as it usually happens. Something about expressing my feelings in this way is so special. Something, unique. There is something so unusual of my words being said this way, but what is it? What could it be? My gentle words of joyful pain go into the heavens. They land in protective, noble hands. My desperate words of soothness go out into the perfect hands of a Daddy. One who is faultless. The words of beatific anguish have been welcomed by the perfectible Master, by The Father.

Love from nothing.

Love is the thing that no human being knows where it comes from. Some say it is an illusion, some describe it as an emotion and personal attachment, others say it comes from the heart. I personally believe it is more than an illusion, more than just an emotion that no one can really know where is comes from. Something profoundly tender.

As if it was yesterday. Every little thing that happens I safe in my vulnerable heart. Turmoils, Screams, fights, and most of all rejection. I ignored it, fought it, dismissed it, and took revenge against it. I have saved every scream and every "no" in my heart since the first time it happened. I can remember every sneer I get from classmates, every bad trick, and all those mean words they had for me.

And of course how to forget the heart break of lies? Where even to begin and explain the fact that when you lie to me, you are hiding what MY own life is. How to forget the real truth? How to bear facts? How to even believe them when you have been protecting me so much that I have become naive? Fake gestures. Nothing is real when there is one truth to hide, one lie to keep.

And how could I even leave out non-real friends. One minute they adore you, the other they talk at your back. Not to mention our lost friends. Those that all they talk about is sex and drugs. How can we carry those around? Those friends that have been through so much that you feel their pain, but don't know how to help. Keeping in mind those who judge you and forsake you? Those who you think will help, but end up persecuting your heart because you love them so much. Those you love so much that they don't even want to talk with you. They don't want to even see you because you might depend on them. And those who think they understand you, but don't even know a bit of what they understand.

But throughout the years I have learned to put them first. Yes, I never forget these people, or what they do, even how they are, but what is all this blog about? Initially about LOVE. Through my short, but technically hard life I have been able to see so much and be so vulnerable that love is just the number one thing in my heart. I have learned to see others through the perfect and tender, loving eyes of our creator. Who never judges, screams, fights, or anything we, as human-imperfects, might do. I always try and look at my inside and change as much as I can for I am not perfect. I have seen how to put others first instead of me because I came here to serve, not to be served. I am not gonna keep myself in a hiding place because of them, but otherwise I will love them and not judge them. Always will I keep them first in watch them through the beautiful, loving eyes of God.

Really Believing.....

My Abba Daddy loves me. Nothing will change that. Even if I try that cannot be changed. He has found me. He will never let go. Once you are found you are never lost because through his grace nothing is as it was before. For we were once darkness, but now we are light. He brought me from being NOTHING to being worth gold, no matter what the other generations did, no matter how hard it might be to believe it, he has made me worth GOLD. But I agree, it is sometimes hard to believe that. If I really never stopped believing that, I would either have an overwhelming and amazing comfort, or i will fall off believing I still have that amazing love by "mocking" God. Despite that, love is what I would feel. I wouldn't harm myself since it wouldn't be necessary to fill me with worldly things. I would be too filled already with the love of my Father, and overall that is why we have the Word of God. The Bible is here to remind us and fill us with how much love God has for us. To remind us God did not forget. That he didn't just leave after he build earth, but he left SOMETHING to guide us and show us he cared enough to think of every detail. He left those words of comfort as a guarantee that he never forgets and we are not to forget how much unconditional love we have in him. He is always beside us to comfort our despair and to show that he will never give up on us once we have given our hearts for him to clean and take care of.

My first and only love.

I became hard hearted. My wounds were dry and scared. I had forgotten what feelings were. I forgot WHO I was and why I am here. I was lost in my despair for life.

As summer went by, my heart got colder and colder. I gave up to the fact that I had a purpose in life. I gave up God, the most important thing in my life. I began to see life differently. Life was easy and I had no problems. All I did was ignore them and keep on. I protected my heart by being unwanted and cold. I saw everything from a perspective I had never seen before. I felt no guilt, no love, no care, and specially no purpose. I had never felt so eager, to even get to the point where I wanted to convince myself God did not exist. I convinced myself I hated him. My heart wanted to be vulnerable once again but my mind knew that if I was, everything would have been a waste of time. I got to a point where life was so miserable I didn't even notice it. Never feeling this way before I thought it was interesting and cool to be like others. But it was devastating to hear and realize I was an example to others just a couple months ago. While I was gold to some, I wanted to destroy my life. My thoughts got deeper into thinking it was fine. I wanted to die. I forgot what my purpose was. ONE summer was enough for me to get to the point where I wanted to be vanished through the delicate air. I was trash, and I didn't realize it until school started.

Each time I heard God I convinced myself he was NOTHING. I had to convince myself he was crap. I thought he wasn't enough for me. I felt ok and that was enough to be tranquil. For four days I went through the hallways telling myself it was all nothing and that he didn't exist. I told myself that I was great with ME. For four long days I contained myself from kneeling and shouting to God up in the heavens how much I adore him. I grabbed my heart from singing the few chapels that we had. I kept myself in a box filled with grief and anger that no one was able to see. But the retreat came. I was desperate because I didn't want to go, but it was impossible not to. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to stand firm to the annoying decisions I had been making. Showing at least some excitement we got to "El Encuentro." As we arrived we took attendance and took off to make our groups, have some snacks and play our first couple games. After a few games and a lot of excitement, yes, A LOT of it, we went to chapel. Ugh, chapel. That didn't make me very happy. I could feel it. I was falling, but before I did, I ran out of the chapel into the restrooms crying black tears. Afraid of my thoughts I calmed myself and waited for them to finish the message. As they wrapped it up, I came in. To make the Story Shorter, we had another chapel after a lot of other games and eating lunch. With no wonder and no regret at all, I fell. I was DONE. I couldn't handle not having God anymore. My heart was yearning for real love. It was heavy and bursting for joy, peace and the reality that I was not in a right path. Yearning to know, once again that I do have a purpose on earth. And so it happened. We met. I started to sob and my black tears were running out turning into clear crystalline. I, once again, met my first, true, and only love.